During my time reading the Tarot, this is a topic I’ve gone back and forth on a lot. Up until this year, I asked the Tarot quite freely about other people, especially romantic partners. How is my crush feeling about me? What will they think about the message I sent them? What is going to happen between me and them next month? Does my ex miss me?
After falling into the trap myself one too many times, I decided to quit believing in the cards as a device to read into other people for the purposes of figuring out how they feel about me.
I don’t know if you can really see the totality of another person with a deck of cards. People’s minds are deep, complex mysteries, and basing your decisions on what the cards say about a person’s thoughts is basing your decision on outright speculation.
There are a number of pitfalls with this approach, and here are my thoughts on how to avoid.
1. It doesn’t address the underlying anxiety.
The only reason anybody goes and asks the cards about someone else’s thoughts and feelings is that it isn’t immediately obvious based on how the person is behaving.
Consider that what the person is displaying towards you is all that needs to be known. If a person has secret loving feelings towards you or thoughts of coming back and they’re not being displayed or acted on, those thoughts and feelings might as well not exist.
Furthermore, asking the Tarot gets you hung up on this person instead of what you should be doing: letting go, moving on, working on the actual relationship in person if possible, and not making thoughts of this person consume your entire life.
The cards shouldn’t become a replacement for dealing with the very real pain, anxiety, and loneliness this person is causing.
Instead of asking about the person, instead ask yourself questions aimed at understanding your own position in the situation. Questions like:
- Why am I finding it hard to letting go?
- What is a more grounded perspective on this situation?
- How can I address the anxiety/pain/loneliness I am feeling?
- What are my real motivations in this situation?
- Why am I so drawn to this person?
- What need am I trying to get met?
- What is the healthiest action for me personally to take in this situation?
Understanding what’s going on your own head will do way more for making you feel better than asking the Tarot how this person feels or whether they are coming back into your life.
2. It undermines your own intuition.
I know it’s weird to say because people use the cards to enhance their intuition. But in the case of asking about other people, it can actually cloud your psychic sense.
Here’s the deal – the cards can’t answer every single dilemma for you. They are not a way to avoid using your own logical senses and reasoning faculties. When you put the cards down and stop asking about your relationship or lack thereof, it gives your inner voice and fountain of insight a chance to speak to you more clearly.
Trust me, you can function quite well in your relationships without the cards. Lots of people live very happy, fulfilling love lives and make amazing level-headed decisions without ever having touched the Tarot for answers. Don’t feel like you need to use the cards as a crutch.
The answers to certain problems cannot be found in the cards, especially if you don’t know what to look for. We all have blind spots.
The last time I caught a mega-crush that got out of hand, I fixed it not by religiously asking the cards about that person (which I did for quite a while). I read a book that changed my entire perspective on the situation, and it had answers that the cards could have never given me. Problem solved.
3. It is a way of escaping reality.
Often, asking the cards about someone else is a way to perpetuate a fantasy. You start asking the cards how someone feels, you believe what the cards say, you start planning based on your fantasy, and then when it doesn’t turn out the way you imagined, you ask the cards again for some reassurance. And on and on.
It’s creates a false sense of intimacy with someone, because it’s intimacy that only exists in your imagination, and not in real, flesh and blood interactions with this person. The fantasy is safe. The reality may not be.
Is that the way to live? Never taking risks? Never exploring the possibility of what’s really going on with a person through interacting with them and not through the cards?
Don’t underestimate the power of your common sense. And make sure you’re not using the cards as a way to avoid what your gut instinct is telling you.
4. It takes the power out of your hands.
People always ask for readings about exes, but also they also do it in the very beginnings of a relationship. Questions like how will my date go? Where are things headed with person X?
It’s spoiling a bit of the fun. The natural unfolding of a relationship is replaced by a calculated effort to anticipate every problem. In this case, you have to make a dedicated effort to reign in your control freak tendencies.
Secondly, what if the cards say something negative? Does that mean you give up on the relationship? And if the cards say something positive, do you just sit back and wait on the person to approach you? At what point does your own power to influence the situation come into play?
Instead of asking the cards how a person feels, ask the cards how to attain your desired outcome with that person. Better yet, ask if your outcome is even possible.
And then take what the cards have to say at face value. If the cards say the door is firmly shut, don’t be stubborn and keep pushing. Don’t go asking again and again when the cards say something you don’t like.
5. Who you want may not be who you need.
Another problem is that people get so fixated on the end goal of a relationship with someone, that they overlook one key question. Is this person even worth having?
Sometimes you view a person as a trophy or a goal without stopping to think about whether a relationship with them would really contribute to your well-being. Most of the time, the person that you’re obsessing over isn’t even worth it.
And actually, the insane desire to possess another person without stopping to think about whether the relationship would be good for the both of you, is selfish, myopic, and ego-driven.
In the case of an ex, have you actually considered that this person for whatever reason has issues that would be better dealt with without you in their life? Maybe your presence is actually kicking up demons and issues that they’re not ready to face and that’s why they left you. Maybe you ex was bad for you in the first place.
Maybe your crush really does have no interest. Is that so bad? Does another person’s disinterest mean that life is now not worth living?
Make sure that the fear of rejection, insecurity, or over-analysis is not what’s behind you asking the cards about a person.
Ask yourself if a relationship with this person is what you want and need or is it your ego running the show?
The next time you feel like asking the cards how someone feels, consider this – do you really need to know?
That’s not to say that the cards can’t be used to improve your relationships at all, but before you go asking about a specific relationship, keep these points in mind so that you’re going about it in a healthy way.